Through Musical Eyes

My Christmas List

2008-12-03T22:55:00.000-08:00

Have you thought about what you want for Christmas? Every year I am asked that question and every year I answer with the typical, "I don't know"; but the reason I give that answer is because I don't really need anything, and therefore I do not know what to ask for. You see, I do not desire the latest gadgets or expensive clothes, so I have no suggestions to give my family. For several years now I have had the opportunity to participate with my church in helping deserving families have a better Christmas; the youth group adopts up to 10 families and then they put up Angel trees in the church so that people can buy a specific gifts that the children or the parents want and need. Then, a week or two before Christmas they go deliver the gifts along with lots of groceries and a turkey for Christmas dinner. I have been to homes that have absolutely nothing, I mean no furniture - they sleep on the floor. The kids are ecstatic about a Christmas tree and when you continue to bring in the armloads of presents they are shocked and even more excited about Christmas. Other homes have better accommodations: one family I helped were victims of Katrina and they had furniture and pieces that they had saved before they moved to Georgia. The purpose is to give these families an opportunity to spend Christmas without the usual worries about where the money will come from for presents and food, and share the Christmas story with them.

Tonight I was driving to church and heard Amy Grant's "Grown-Up Christmas List" and I began to think about what my Christmas list consists and I realized that it was similar to hers. One of hers was to have no more lives torn apart and that wars would never even begin. This war that we're a part of now has started to hit home as people I know are starting to go overseas, and it's scary. Some other wishes are that right would always win and everyone would have a friend. I am so thankful for all of my friends. But I know that bad things happen and justice does not always prevail. What I like about this song is it makes me think now as an adult how to approach this time of year when children are so anxious to ask Santa Clause for presents and what my wish would be - may be peace on Earth.

I love the accompaniment to the song "I'll Be Home for Christmas" but this year it has a different meaning for me. I live at home and near my extended family, we had 15 people for Thanksgiving dinner. But with the thought of soldiers being away from home, wondering if they will come home, this song reminds me to be thankful for them and to pray for their safety. There is a poem that was sent to me that I will include because I think everyone could use a reminder of what the soldiers are doing for us; even if you do not support the war, like me, they are fighting for our freedom and for our country. When I first read this I thought of my cousin who is engaged to a man who recently returned from Africa; when they came to visit he was telling us stories, only a few, about his experiences and I could tell he was proud to have served and to be called an American.

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.

The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,

Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know,

Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.

Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watching over me, and my wife and my child.

'What are you doing?' I asked without fear,
'Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on cold Christmas Eve!'
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts.

To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said 'Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night.
It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.

No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in December,'
Then he sighed, 'That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers.'
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.

I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.'
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
'I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.

I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall.

So go back inside,' he said, 'harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right.'
'But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
Give you money,' I asked, 'or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son.'

Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
'Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,

That we mattered to you as you mattered to us.'

Anonymous - I don't know who wrote this.

The final song I will include is one I first heard at a church retreat: "This Is Your Life" by Switchfoot. It poses the question if you are making your life important and memorable, "Are you who you want to be?" Another question is if life is everything you expected it to be, which for me has been a no because I never expected life to turn out like this. But the message of this song is that this is Your life and you can do whatever you want with it. With all my thoughts about this crazy world we live in that makes no sense and tends to disappoint, I am making my Christmas list comprised of hope, remembering those who are not going to be home with their families for Christmas, and knowing I have one shot at making life incredible and worth living - in this department I think I am doing well. Merry Christmas and God Bless!

Christmas Music on the Radio

2008-12-01T19:35:00.000-08:00

It is that time of year again: Christmas music is playing on the radio and in the stores, and I could not be more excited. It is so easy to forget the real purpose and meaning of Christmas when we are busy shopping, wrapping presents, finishing finals, and celebrating with friends and family the birth of our Savior. A tradition in our family is to start celebrating 2 days before Christmas so that we can visit both grandparents' houses and then everyone comes to our house on Christmas day. Every year my family has to watch It's a Wonderful Life and White Christmas; at least my mom and I have to watch these movies, my sister is not crazy about them but my dad is a fan of It's a Wonderful Life.

I believe this song came out last year, Amy Grant's "Breath of Heaven," and it is such a beautiful look at the heart of a woman who had an incredible burden to carry. It really makes you think about what Mary went through as a single woman carrying the child of God; some of her questions relate to my life to, wondering about God's plan and if I am the one that should be given this job. Amy Grant has a beautiful voice and she sounds so genuine and innocent as she sings the song.

"What If Cartoons Got Saved" is a unique song by Chris Rice in which he goes through the different Animaniac characters and explains, or rather sings, their version of "Hallelujah." But the purpose of the song is to say that cartoons cannot praise God, it is our responsibility. It is such a fun song and I was so excited to hear it on the radio today!

The following song is from the movie Princess Diaries and I downloaded it a long time ago after I had seen the movie. I do not even know if Nobody's Angel is still a group, they were never one of my favorites, but "Always Tomorrow" is a great song. I loved the Anne of Green Gables series when I was growing up and the movies were on this weekend. I was able to watch a small portion of the second one, each movie is like three hours long, and because it is being shown on television it was being spread over a five hour period. But one of Anne's phrases and philosophies is that "Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet," and when I heard this song I thought about the movie and the books. If you have not read them they are completely worth your time because it's one of the best series I have ever read about family, true friends, finding your passion in life and your true love.

When I heard this song on the radio I flipped out; it is a combination of some of my favorite Christmas songs in a beautiful medley by the Ray Conniff Singers, "Let It Snow, Count Your Blessings, We Wish You a Merry Christmas." Of course, "Count Your Blessings" is from one of my favorite movies White Christmas, and they do a new verse on "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" that I have never heard before. It really gets me in the mood for snow, a fire, and sitting in front of a Christmas tree. That is actually what we are going to do tonight, put up our Christmas tree - I love this time of year!

Giving Thanks

2008-11-27T15:20:00.000-08:00

As Thanksgiving Day approached I looked back over the year and realized that this holiday would not be a time just to eat turkey, spend time with family, and say thanks for the usual things. This holiday is a bit more solemn because we have had seven hospitalizations in the family during the past year; each of my grandfathers have had two surgeries; my grandmother had an abscessed tooth that developed multiple complications and left her with a rash from head to toe, which she took pictures of because she thought no one would believe her. (I know this sounds strange, but if I had not seen the pictures I would not have realized how severe her reaction to the antibiotic was.) The first half of the year was my turn to have health issues and visit multiple doctors, and the second half of the year has been my sister's turn. My best friend called to tell me her grandfather was in the hospital with an abscess on his spinal cord and they did surgery a few days ago; another close friend's grandfather has been diagnosed with kidney cancer; and my dad coworker's daughter fell a week ago, and is now paralyzed, and she is only a year older than me. Sometimes I have to just sit down and have a good cry because I worry about my loved ones and this girl I do not even know. But I realize I have so much to be thankful for: my own health has improved and for the most part my grandparents are healthy; my sister is improving by leaps and bounds each day; and I have family and friends who have been there for me through the tough times and now I can be there for them.

There are two songs that I have taught my 3-year choir which talk about being thankful: "Thank You, God"and "Thanksgiving Day". I do not know any adult songs for Thanksgiving; I could sing you songs about turkeys and pilgrims but they are still children songs. The kids sure have fun when we sing them and they may not always understand the message, but it has certainly hit home for me this year.

I find myself singing hymns sometimes and the most common one is "Victory in Jesus"; I learned it when I was little. So many times now I have sung it without actually listening to the words, but the other day I was at home by myself thinking about my friends. I was remembering how scared I was when my sister was in the hospital and when my grandparents have been in the hospital, and I was getting ready to call them to say something encouraging. This song came to mind and as I sang it I really listened to the words. I was reminded that the lesson it teaches is something I have learned not so long ago: because Jesus one victory on the cross I can have peace of mind that He will take care of things here too. I wrote a paper recently and I quoted a journal entry of mine in which a basically stated that my chronic pain had not won but Jesus did on the cross. I think this must be why this song speaks to my heart and always comes to mind whether I am going through a difficult time or I am happy, since I do have victory because of Jesus.

My favorite hymn has to be "Great is Thy Faithfulness," another hymn from my childhood. I have often thought that I want this song sung at my funeral because not only has it been an inspiration and encouragement to me for many years, but it would be an encouragement to my family and friends. Both of these hymns talk about being thankful and realizing how much grace we have been given. Usually after the death of a loved one I sing this to myself as I go to sleep at night, and I have also sung it in other times of sorrow and crisis; but most importantly, I sing it when the crisis is over. I think at first I enjoyed this hymn because the music is so beautiful but then the words started to take shape and applied to my life so perfectly that I could not help but sing it. This Thanksgiving as we gather together as a family and as we remember those who live far away, we treasure our family and friends more that this year, I know I do. The gratefulness I feel does not comes just one day of the year, it resides throughout.

Life Is Precious

2008-11-22T18:30:00.000-08:00

There is a wonderful song by MercyMe called "Bring the Rain" and what I like so much about the song is it begins with the singer being posed the question how he can continue to praise God after everything he has been through. I have been asked this same question, and I have to admit that even through the worst times it rarely occurred to me to stop trusting, praying, and praising the Lord. People also asked me how I could keep a smile on my face when I was in chronic pain but honestly, I had a deep joy that came from within and the pain could not destroy it. This may sound like a typical Bible school answer to a question, but I have experienced great joy and great suffering during the last few years and I can say that like the singer I can ask for God to send me whatever is going to bring Him glory, knowing that there will be rainy days. As I have written before, I would not trade these experiences for the emotional and spiritual maturity that I have gained and I prayerfully say, "Jesus bring the rain."

I do not know much music by Wes King but there is one song of his that plays on the radio that I love to sing along with: "Life Is Precious." This upbeat song reminds me that I am only passing through on my way to Heaven but I know who come along to and it makes life worth living. It is also a reminder that I am saved by the blood that was shed for me on the Cross and it is the truth I live by. This is the most fun song to listen to and if you are having a bad day it is a good reminder that they really are a million reasons to celebrate.

Steven Curtis Chapman has some of the best songs and one of my favorites is "Live out Loud." I have been given the greatest gift and I have to agree with him that I want to get on a mountaintop and scream about it to the world. It says how can a bird not fly after it's soared in the sky and having the faith experiences I have, I want to share them with everyone! When I was looking up the lyrics I found the music video also; I recommend taking a look at it because it is a lot of fun. Now if only everyone responded similarly when they were shared the Gospel, and if only everyone had the guts to live their lives so there was absolutely no doubt who they belonged to and how excited they were about living. La, la, la live out loud - make the most of life! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJNixHQ4sAc

The radio stations play DC Talk some, but it is an old band now; TobyMac was once a part of it. There is something very raw about the song since the speaker has not chosen to consistently live "In the Light" yet. He says he is the king of excuses and keeps asking what is happening inside himself because he cannot stand his own behavior; yet he does know what needs to change because when he tries to do things on his own he ultimately fails. It's as if he is talking to a friend and saying that he wants to be like this friend who is walking in the light. This song is a reminder that we are all sinners and we all need saving grace; this upbeat tune is a reminder of the balance we each try to find between our natural sinful selves and living in the light of Christ, shining like the stars in the Heavens.

Mercy, Grace, and Peace

2008-11-13T22:15:00.000-08:00

In honor of my sister, I am going to post about one of our favorite songs:
My sister showed my mom and me this music video of Mary Mary singing "Shackles" (Praise You) and we fell in love with it immediately. Whenever it comes on the radio I always turn up the volume and sing along. So I knew when I wanted to write about the song I had to include the link because the music video is so awesome. As I was watching it again I was listening to the words and I realized it really fits the situation right now: it talks about praising God in all circumstances; everything going wrong at the same time but in the same stanza it says basically to ask God to lift the load because you cannot do it anymore - He will, He will get you through. Going through fire and rain describes the last few years for me but I have made it through and one thing that stands out is that through all of it I always praised God even when I could not understand and my heart wanted to break. The most important part of the song is a reminder that God has broken the chains and we are free to dance and praise Him because no matter what we are going through He is right there with us. My sister is still sick, but slowly recovering; people continue to ask us what they can do for us and I wish I knew of something, but the one thing I hear my mom and dad say, as well as myself, is prayer and that is all you need. I finally have found joy and feel like have a reason to sing, not just because I am saved by amazing Grace, but I have found solace and peace in writing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRayKxgePQI

TobyMac's "Lose My Soul" is a big hit and uses the combined talents of Mandisa and Kirk Franklin. It is easy to talk about being a Christian but it is another when you actually live the life; one thing I like about his song is he talks about being a faithful husband, being part of his kids lives, and being an artist who rises above the general population and keeps his values in his music and his life. This is a great combination of vocalists and it it uses both rap and contemporary instruments to achieve a really cool effect that makes you remember the song and enjoy it and want to the sing and dance along.

Phillips, Craig and Dean are another one of my favorite bands and "Mercy Came Running" is a big of theirs. I love the imagery of what it must have been like when Christ was crucified and raised from the dead, and the earth began to shake and the veil that separated humans from God was physically torn, symbolizing the change that had occurred. Then the songs says that mercy came running like a prisoner set free, and came to all of us, came to me, when I could not do it on my own. When I screw up and make mistakes I think about this song and remember that I am always able to be forgiven and if I am willing to admit my sin, mercy and grace will come to me from God. This is a fantastic song, by far one of my favorites. I think I probably have 10 or 15 favorite songs but each of them has something special that gives me joy and peace and reminds me that I am not alone in this world even when things are falling apart and I make mistakes.

One Step at a Time

2008-11-06T17:15:00.000-08:00

I mentioned earlier Jordan Sparks' "One Step at a Time," but I think it really relates to what I am going through right now also. My sister's recovery has been very slow, much slower than we anticipated but as the song says, you take life as it comes and find out the reasons later. Hopefully, one day we will know something that has come out of her illness; for now, it is bringing us closer together as a family. Another thing I am having to go slowly about is finding a job. My mom has told me when the right job comes along I will know it and until then should not stress about it, and she is right.

Another song on her debut album that I enjoy is "God Loves Ugly." Now, it it does not take a genius to figure out what the song is about, but the reason I enjoy it is because she mentioned how someone has told her that she is worthless, not special, nor pretty and she believed them and lived her life according to that idea. But, God showed her that He loves her and He think she is beautiful and it's made all the difference. In my own life, a few years ago I was sick and dealing with excruciating pain, but some high school boys took it upon themselves to make fun of me. I tried to let it roll off my back and not think much about it but it did make an impression because it was a point in my life when I was very uncertain about my health and my future, and them nicknaming me "Cripple" did not help. It has taken me a long time to realize the impact their ridicule had because I did my best to ignore their comments, but it did make me uncertain about how other people would treat me when I told them I was in chronic pain. Thankfully, not everyone has acted like those boys in high school and the reason I am writing about this is because I think it's important for people to realize, whether they have gone through something like me or not, they should not take their gratification from the world. You do not need a guy to tell you that you are beautiful, you need to know it for yourself. Now, it is nice to receive compliments but when we receive criticisms we need to know which ones to pay attention to and which ones to trash and never think about again.

There are two of Nicole C. Mullen's songs that I absolutely love it every time I hear them I get goosebumps. One of them is "When I Call on Jesus" and it talks about the power of God and that He answers prayer. I mean, the Bible says you need faith as small as a mustard seed, which is about the size of the tip of a pencil, and you can move mountains and that is what this song talks about - anything is possible when you call on Him for help. Another one of my favorite is "My Redeemer Lives" which is a wonderful reminder that our Savior is alive. No matter what I am going through these songs are always inspirational to me and watching my sister be sick and in pain has been very difficult, but I know whose hands she's in and I do not have to worry about her. The entire Christian faith is based around Jesus rising from the dead and on the final day of the world if it was all false then there was no reason for anything, simply a waste of time, but if it is true, it will make all the difference. So, I am sure somebody wonders how I can am sure, and I have to say that it is because of what has happened in my own life. I cannot divulge here what I have gone through, but I can tell you that if I did not have faith in Christ, life would simply not be worth living. There will always be skeptics but I know the changes that have occurred in my life because of my relationship with Christ, and I know that he has gotten me through incredibly difficult and painful situations that I most certainly would not have wanted to go through if I did have Him to lean on. I have to wonder how people survive and live meaningful lives without a relationship with Christ, without some hope for life after death. Is that all random and is it a one time shot? Or is there something more to life and is there a bigger purpose?

When It Rains It Pours

2008-11-01T22:36:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard that expression before? That would explain my life right now and it is the reason it has been a month since I have posted. Between my own health problems, the demands of school, and my sister being sick and in the hospital, I have been preoccupied. Although it has been an extremely stressful time in my life, there are a few songs that touched my heart and helped me to continue holding on, knowing that God is in control even when life seems to be spinning out of control.

It is hard to even begin to explain what has been going on, but like I have told my friends and family the only thing I know to do is pray. It has been so wonderful to have a church family who is so supportive, people call to check on my sister and tell us they were praying for us. There was nothing more they could do, but prayer is enough. Steven Curtis Chapman has a song "Let Us Pray" which adequately describes what I feel. The chorus is
Let us pray, let us pray, everywhere in every way
Every moment of the day, it is the right time
For the Father above, He is listening with love
And He wants to answer us, so let us pray
and so we did. Now she is home and recovering; and I am doing alright.

Avalon's "The Glory" is a beautiful song that tells the story of what Christ did for us; as I listen to it I am reminded that He is in control and of His great love for us. I may not understand what is going on but I can know that it is going to turn out in my best interest.

The dream of something beautiful like a child on her wedding day, laughing so hard you cry, and true love, suddenly all of these things are obtainable. The Newsboys sing "Something Beautiful" which brings alive the idea that you can find beauty in this world with all its flaws, and I love this idea. Newsboys is such a great group and I love their music; they have a rock base but with a softer, appealing factor. Watch their great music video and you will see what I mean: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBJVrkRxIJQ&feature=related

It is embarrassing to think and admit that we make mistakes but it is true. That is why the song "Clumsy" by Chris Rice is so important: he explains that even after 30 years of living he still falls for temptation and tries to do the right thing but fails. The song hits home because it talks about you make a mistake and feel useless, but he is right when he says that it's okay because God is making us holy and He is using our mistakes to help us grow. I think this is a lesson everyone can learn even though it is a difficult and painful one.

TobyMac is a fabulous artist and one of my favorite songs right now is "Made to Love You." I wish I could describe the beat of the song and the way he performs it because it is unique and makes me like it even more as it fits the message. It is a reminder that we were made to love Christ and He created us in order to love us. Again this song talks about life being overwhelming and feeling like God put us in the middle of something we cannot handle, but it is important for us to remember that we were created for love and therefore there is no reason to worry about what life throws at us. Our Father will never abandon us, nor allow anything to come that we can not handle with Him by our side.

Can you tell that I have grown from this experience? I can say very honestly that it has been a challenge and I have struggled because not only have I been in pain physically, it has been emotionally painful watching my sister suffer and knowing there is nothing I can do. Stress is a very powerful weapon, but God turned it around and helped me to see that it He is in control. His continual lesson to me seems to be patience because everything in my life takes time to resolve. I have found peace, I always had peace in my heart knowing that He was in control, but I worried and was upset; somehow God has a way of turning these bad situations around and this is one example.

"This Joy That I Have"

2008-09-04T21:25:00.000-07:00

I love being the 3 yr. old choir director at my church. The kids are so much fun and they love singing. Since last night was Wednesday we met for the second time this year and I had 7 children, which is a good number for our group. It is just me and one other teacher so 7 kids is plenty. I love watching their faces light up when we sing their favorite songs, like Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round, Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed, and Eency, Weency Spider. In order to prepare I was reviewing an old song book that I have had since I was kid and I was surprised at how many songs I knew, and how many I had not even thought of, let alone sung, in years.

Casting Crowns has a new song "Slow Fade" that reminds me not only of the kids I teach but also of when I use to be in choir. At the end of the song they have a little girl sing a few lines that sound like part of a song I use to sing, although I cannot recall the name of it:
"Oh be careful little eyes what you see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see."
I am reminded from this song how much responsibility I have in working with these kids because they will remember and mimic everything I say and do. Not that I would act inappropriately, but I am reminded of the privilege I have in working with these children and that I need to set an example. The song also speaks to the adults because it talks about how choices are made, prices must be paid, and some people will crumble under the strain.

Another Casting Crowns song that I enjoy is "Who Am I," which talks about how can a mere person deserve the grace of God. My favorite lines are, " Not because of who I am, But because of what you've done. Not because of what I've done, But because of who you are." This is a great band; they have so many good songs that I enjoy listening to and they all have important meaning that speaks to the listeners.

For my CD review for class I did Mandisa's True Beauty which I highly recommend! Each of the songs is unique and it is hard to choose which to write about. Her hit single "Only the World" is uplifting, as it encourages us to remember we are only living here for a short time and there is no reason to let the problems of this world tear us down. "Never Gonna Steal My Joy" is one of my other favorites; it has a similar theme and it just fills my heart because I know that nothing can take the joy God has given me. It reminds me of the song I learned as a kid, "This joy that I have the world didn't give to me. The world didn't give it and the world can't take it away." I also love inserting "peace" and "love" in there because it is true, the love, joy, and peace that I have deep inside came from God, and no matter how bad the circumstances, like a death in the family, I can still have them. That reminds me, I finally started singing around the house and in my car again. It has taken a week but I am finally starting to feel like singing again. My inner joy cannot be quieted for long and that is one way I express it, through music.

I found this blog post entitled "Is there such a thing as Christian music?" I was intrigued by the title and impressed by the man's comments. I have to agree that Christian music is only defined as such by the words and that there is nothing wrong with listening to secular music. I know a majority of the songs I am referencing are Christian tunes but since I listen to Christian radio stations all the time, and my secular music on my ipod, so I am listen to the Christian music more and it is going to have more impact. Here is the link to his blog, check it out:
http://dustinahkuoi.wordpress.com/2008/09/04/is-there-such-a-thing-as-christian-music/

Life's Sadness

2008-09-01T19:35:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we have the opportunity to expect and prepare for a death in the family and other times we have eight hours. Within a week and a half she had two strokes, and at first we thought she was going to be fine, but then all of a sudden she was back in the hospital with a blood clot at the base of her brain. It has been really hard on everyone. Thankfully she did not suffer and we know that she is in Heaven. When I received the call from my mother, and burst into tears, a song immediately started playing in my head. It just kept repeating itself, and has reappeared several times through the week. The song is Avalon's "Another Time, Another Place" which talks about waiting to go to Heaven and getting to see Jesus face to face. When I was listening to this in my car on my way to school, I realized that that was where she was soon going to be; the tears flowed even more freely then, but I had an overwhelming peace come that has not left.

Mark Schultz sings "I Am," a beautiful song that describes God in His many attributes. When I was listening to the radio and heard this song, I was comforted. It is hard when you do not have a chance to prepare or say good-bye, but God is incredible and everything the song describes about Him is true. It is good to know we have such a big God who is in control. Like I told my dad, her work here was done so it was time for her to go home.

"You Raise Me Up," Selah's version with an extra verse, has a double significance for me. One way I read it is as God's hands guiding me, but also, I am reminded of that wonderful woman who was always encouraging and supporting me through my entire life. Although she was not my grandmother, it sure was like having three of them; and I have always felt so blessed.

At church yesterday, there were several songs that really spoke to me:

"Reign in Me" reminds me that I want God to be a part of every aspect of my life. One line is about reigning in my dreams and in my storms, and I realized that that is something I want to focus on right now. She was a wonderful Christian woman and amazing role model and she allowed the Lord to reign in her; I want to do the same with my life.

"Press On" was the choir special and it was uplifting. Just walking into the church was difficult because I was reminded that I would never see her smiling face there again. I'm under a lot of stress right now but the song was encouraging.

The soloist sang "Through Every Storm" which was perfect for my situation. God is with us through everything. I have several friends who are struggling right now heartbreaking circumstances but the music seemed to be planned just for us.

"Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield is one I have been hearing on the Christian radio stations more and more recently. I understand though that it means we are free to chase our dreams and that our past does not dictate our future. When I was listening to it, I thought about how should would want all of us to keep going; she always told my sister and I that we were great kids and that we could accomplish anything we set our minds to and I know that she would tell me that now. The world is before me and I know she would say to follow my dreams and remember that she is always proud of me and that she loves me. I did not get to tell her good-bye as in going to the hospital to visit her but I did see her the week before at church, she was smiling as always and the conversation will remain with me forever; it is all I needed. I think she lived her life that way, throwing open the window, releasing her worries and living life to the fullest; that is her legacy and I want to continue that legacy in my own life. This entry may seem a little nostalgic but I wrote in my journal and then blogging my thoughts and memories through the perspective of music has helped me achieve more peace and recall more memories. It has been worth that chliche because I have remembered her as the incredible Christian woman she was and seeing the woman I want to become.

Music Lover

2008-08-24T17:30:00.000-07:00

I have grown up enraptured in the intoxicating melodies sung by mother, the attempts by my grandfather ;), and the notes that come straight from my heart. I started in church, singing in the children's choirs, then progressed to dance lessons, and finally piano and violin lessons. Now, I teach children's choir and I am in the handbell choir at my church. There are rare times that you will drive past me and I will not be singing to the radio. What I loved about music as a child has transcended time and only grown more acute as the years have passed: no matter how I am feeling, I am certainly capable of finding songs that fit my mood, and will lift it when necessary. My parents used to tell me that I smiled so much when I was little that you could not understand what I was sayingand I was proud of that; I lost that during the rigorous of academics in high school. But I am happy to report that I found it again. I was telling a friend recently that I finally found what makes me truly happy, and it is music. For many years I thought that I would pursue a career in the arts; I thought that I would become an accomplished pianist or violinist, but times have changed and now I am an English major. It's still the arts but a little different form. I get nostalgic just thinking about music, I used to think that I would be a great musician one day, until I recently realized that it did not matter so much, as long as I still enjoyed it and as long as I was playing for the right reasons.

"The Reason We Sing" by Avalon is one of my favorite songs right now because the words are perfect "The reason we sing, The reason we lift our voice is more than just making harmony, The reason we sing is to praise the One who gave his life to be the reason we sing". Not only do I enjoy harmonizing with this song but it truly captures the way I feel and the reason I love singing and music in general: it is because I am praising the Lord! It also reminds me how grateful I am that I have this love for music.

"You Can't Hurry Love" by The Supremes is a favorite of both mine and my sisters. It is performed on one of her favorite television shows and that is how we were introduced to it. It is a fun, upbeat song and at first I liked it for that, but now I realize that the words are right when they say that in relationships you have to give and take and find compromise, and how important it is to wait for the right guy to come along. I have learned this from observing the relationships around me and I am in the process of waiting, although I wish that time would stop being so slow and bring that right someone now.

"One Step at a Time" is one of Jordin Sparks' big hits. It also has a great upbeat tempo and the words are fitting for my life because over the last few months I have been learning a great deal about myself. Some of it has been painful while other things have been of great encouragement, but through the whole process I have learned I have to take one step at a time. I have to go through the painful in order to experience the relief of putting it to rest and I certainly cannot run if I do not learn to walk first. In a broad perspective I had to go through a lot over the last few years in order to be where I am: I am more confident; finally, I know who I am and now I can be myself.

"How Far is Heaven" by Salvador is one I always have to turn up in the car. Heaven is going to be a wonderful place and how can I help but not look forward to it?!

"Sweet Home Alabama" by Leonard Skynard has sentimental value for me and a very close friend. We use to listen to it in high school, and of course the movie is great too. So whenever I see or hear one of them I think of her and the fun times we had together in high school.

"Dancing Queen" is one of ABBA's great songs and very well known. It is a feel good song that was fun playing especially when I was 17 and could relate to the words. I actually saw the show "Mama Mia" on Broadway and they did a great job on this number. Now I tease and say that my dog is the dancing queen because when my mom is about to feed her, she does this backwards jumping movement to get to where my mom puts the food down. You have to understand, she has these short corgi legs and she's 14 but she gets very excited about her supper. I love watching her, actually she is with me now and would love to eat.

"This is My Now" by Jordin Sparks seems to fit the way I feel because it is the beginning of a new school year and I am excited about my classes and the different activities I am involved in, so this really is my time to shine and make the most of what I have been given.